Valet Service for Bicycles?

How much crazier can people get? Here I am at the Main Branch of the Salt Lake Public Library and because it is slow today I am reminiscing on the crazies that I have met while volunteering. Just to give you some background, I have been volunteering for about four and a half years. I come in for three hours a week and either give tours of the library or sit at the Welcome Desk, which is the front information desk at the library. I love those three hours! So, let's start the list of my favorite crazies.

The latest one was last week. A man came in and asked if he brought in a petition of 500 names would the library start offering a public dating service. Are you kidding me?

Another man asked if we offered valet parking for bicycles. Does any place offer that service is what I wanted to know.

Another woman came in an asked me all sorts of questions and before I could answer she'd try to guess my answer. Finally, after many wrong (I should really say all wrong) answers she turns in a huff and says, "Well telepathy's not a science!!!"

Another woman several years ago came in and asked what city she was in. Not thinking anything of it I said she was in Salt Lake City. She looks back in horror and says "You mean I'm not in Chicago!?!" What do you say to someone like that?

A man cam in and asked where our legal books were. I directed him to the section and as he's leaving he tells us, "I have to get a divorce from my wife quick, otherwise my girlfriend's gonna be mad when she gets out of prison." Ahh, what a lucky man!

A couple of weeks ago a man we have nicknamed "Bling" first came in to the library. He was very agitated and says "I need all the books on Elvis Presley that you have. He's just been murdered and if I hadn't been shaking hands with Nixon I would have been able to stop it." He then proceeds to draw me a diagram of how the whole even took place and then he just runs off. He came in on another day and offered to sell one of my co-workers some jewelry that he deals in.

A woman entered the library talking really loud and not making a lot of sense. I think to myself here comes another crazy. She comes up to the desk and asks, in her obnoxiously loud voice, if I can look up a book for her. I tell her I can and she says that the name of the book is Crazy Time. I'm not kidding! It took all of my energy to keep a straight face and not ask if she was the author.

One of my favorites was a man who was out of town asked if I could get him on the internet. While I was doing that, he asks if I know much about fabrics. I told him I had a pretty good knowledge so he asks me what I think about flannel. I said it was nice, but can be rather warm. He then tells me that he was in the process of making a costume for his assistant on his web show. He was thinking about making a skirt and hat out of leopard print flannel and wondered if I thought that would be ok. I told him it would be fine. He then says, "Well, it's not really for my assistant. I actually play both myself and my assistant and wanted to have some costume so people could tell the difference between me and my assistant." I don't know if that came out funny, but I'm still chuckling about it!

Several years ago a man came into the library with towel in his back pocket and a chunk of keys in his front pocket. He was a little unkempt, but I really thought nothing of it until I saw him using his towel to clean the glass. I turned to my co-worker and asked if he worked here and she said he didn't. That didn't stop him though. He came for several weeks and did little bits of spot cleaning. Then one day I saw him sitting at a table talking with a woman. But he wasn't just talking to her. Hew was interviewing her for a job as a janitor at the library. Ohhh, that was hilarious. He still comes to the library, but we haven't really had any incidents since.

During one summer two older women came in and used the internet. I went over to help them and they told me that their power was out and that they had come to work on the internet. I then looked down and saw that they had brought their cats in their purse. I asked them about that and they said that it was too hot to leave them at home without power.

Another woman came to work on the internet and was having problems logging on. So while I was waiting for the computer to restart she asks me if I know what a sugar flier is. I tell her that I do. Then she points to her purse looking around furtively and says, "Shhh, don't tell anyone."

I think my favorite day in library history though was the day that elevators weren't working. We have three glass elevators and most of our walls are glass, so it's easy to overlook them - and many people do. But this one day the up button had been punched out of the panel and was unavailable for pushing - obviously! That didn't stop some of our more adventurous patrons. Several people put their faces right up to hole trying to find the button. Others stuck their fingers in the hole trying to find the button. The all-time best was the woman who wanted to go to the third floor. She stands their waiting for the elevator to open and finally after a couple of minutes asked how to get the elevator to open. I told her to push the down button and she says "But I need to go to the third floor." I tell that once she gets in she can just press three and it'll go there. Or she can just take the stairs - which she absolutely refused. She doesn't get it though and eventually just leaves muttering about stupid elevators and not helpful librarians. It was hilarious!!!

Well, it's almost time for me to leave, so I better wrap things up. As you can see the library is a great place to be. You never know what you're going to get. It's like an addiction. I hate it when I don't get to come and volunteer. As I think of other stories I'll add them, but this is about all that I can think of for now.